A couple days ago I was watching Oprah's Life Class with Iyanla Vanzant. The topic of the show dealt with fatherless men and how it affects the relationships they have with others and their own children. Now, that topic in itself is a whole different topic and not what I will be touching on today. Yet, there was something that was stated to one of the men that really resonated with me that I had to speak on it. Iyanla was talking to one of the men about his lack of being able to connect with his daughter after being out of her life for so long. What she said was (and i'm paraphrasing of course), "There can be no intimacy where there is no vulnerability." This is very powerful and something that most people lack in understanding. Most people view intimacy on a very surface level and view it simply based on the physical level. Yet, intimacy goes beyond that and really has more to do with getting to a deeper level of knowing someone. Knowing the deep desires, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc of the people in your life. This is something I strive for and work to have within my close relationships. A quote taken from a book i'm currently reading states that, "Intimacy comes from "knowing" the other person at a deep level. If there are barriers to honesty, knowing is ruled out and the false takes over." Connection is loss or not there to begin with when someone fears being vulnerable; when they feel that they cannot be themselves or express their feelings without judgment/ridicule. The ability to be vulnerable comes when there is room and freedom to do so with the people or person in your life. This is something that I work to give the people in my life; the freedom and space to be vulnerable...to be themselves completely without judgment. This ability to give room for others to be vulnerable comes from me being vulnerable myself; taking the time to grow, reflect and to be honest with myself in where I am. I've come to notice that a lot of people feel as though they give this to the people in their life, when in reality they lack the ability to be honest with themselves. I mean how can others be vulnerable with you when your barely honest with yourself? Intimacy starts with us knowing ourselves...sense of self FIRST and this is something that many of us feel we have, but in reality lack. Many of us view ourselves and who we are on a very surface level and through life experiences and/or challenges we have created our own barriers and stop being vulnerable ourselves. We live in falsehood and it takes over and consumes the relationships we have. We then are intimate with the people in our life on a surface level never really being able to connect...never really knowing them on a deep level. A barrier is created and no one is being honest with themselves or each other. This is what I work hard to avoid...to avoid having surface level relationships. In my mission to maturation I work hard at knowing myself on a deep level so that it shows through to the people in my life and they are given the ability feel safe to be themselves and vulnerable. Knowing yourself on a deep level means that you are constantly in a place of self inventory; checking your emotions and tapping into your own desires, hopes, dreams, concerns, etc. The key thing we must all understand is this; for there to be growth in any relationship it is imperative that both parties feel comfortable sharing with each other their deepest feelings, needs, hurts, desires, failures, or whatever else is in their soul. This is true intimacy and again can only exist when there is room given for this to happen; when others feel safe to do so. To have true intimacy we must be vulnerable; it is my hope that this will encourage someone to reflect and examine where they are currently in having true intimacy in their relationships. Can you say that you are providing a safe place for the people in your life to be vulnerable with you?
Something to ponder...
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